interesting interesting interesting (9/14/2021)
I've been a lotta places recently.
And by that I mostly just mean New York. Long Island specifically. Was up there on personal business but also saw some internet friends there for the first time! Stayed at one of their houses. Then I came back, learned that all my classes this semester got cancelled due to low enrollment, and just started SHWORKIN at Starbucks more. I'm still working on the NOCTIS tutorial page like I said I'd make in a few days......like over a month ago...... Yeah, sorry about that. Had another really bad period, but my antidepressant medication dosage has been doubled and now I'm doing okay again!
Hopefully more updates to come!!!
thoughtlessness or forget (8/6/2021)
I just really have nothing interesting to say anymore.
I want to be able to create in some form. Music, art, etc. but I just have nothing to say with it. I don't know what I'm doing half the time and even when I do know what I'm doing I don't arrive where I wanted to nor do I like where I ended up. For the longest time I've always kinda thought that I was just doomed to experience the world passively and not really leave a mark anywhere and I'm starting to think that it's true. Whenever I'm asked like "what kinda funeral do you want to have?" (which has been asked multiple times in my life) I always answer that I honestly just want to be completely stricken from all records and just erased completely. Buried in some random dirt hole unmarked. I just want to be forgotten.
There's nothing really to remember anyway.
Space is always interesting.
Been playing a game called NOCTIS a lot recently. It's a nice relaxing time and I really enjoy putting on some Deathdream music and just exploring the galaxy. So! I decided to make a page about it! Seemed like a fun thing to add to this page, shnazz it up a little. Other than that, I've started working at Starbucks recently. It's nerve-wracking, but fun! Plus the benefits omgggggg. Trans surgeries are now going to be an OPTION rather than a dream!!!! I'm so excited!!! I'm not planning on getting any surgeries in the near-future, but when I do the first I wanna get is definitely facial feminization surgery. I don't have the most manly face out there, sure, but there are things about it that definitely make it really hard to pass. Other than that the only other surgery I can think of I'd want to get is the big ol' SRS surgery. Mayyyybe breast augmentation but that's only if I'm not satisfied with the natural progress after multiple years, because I know those can REALLY take some time to get anywhere substantial.
So yeah! That's all for now. I hope you like the new page! More updates to come!
pride (late version) (7/12/2021)
This was originally going to be a post I made during pride month but I couldn't word it correctly in my head until now.
Pride Month is a good thing. Let me stay that straight off. I'm not making this post to try and dissuade people from celebrating pride or to try and pass pride month off as a bad thing. This is just my experience through my first pride month as an openly out trans woman and my first pride month as openly anything relating to the LGBT+ community. I still don't really feel "apart" of the LGBT+ community. I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in. I know I'm a trans woman. I don't think I'm faking it. I know I'm pansexual. I don't think I'm faking that either. Still, though, I can't help but feel surrounded by friends and other people who are "more" LGBT+ than I am or will ever be. I feel like a fraud. I feel like I've spent too much of my time being a cishet dude to feel really like I am not cis and not hetero. I feel very alone out here. Even when around other trans women. I don't relate to them. I don't relate to their coming out stories. I don't relate to their progression through transition. I feel like it's all going too easy for me. There's been barely any hardship outside of internalized transphobia and dysphoria. I still feel like I don't know what it's actually like to be trans. I feel like a pretender. Someone who is only on the surface level.
Anyway. I just wanted to get that out somewhere. I hope everyone had a happy pride month. Mine sure was....something.
worth it (6/9/2021)
Am I even worth the trouble?
It's about 12:40 AM. I'm listening to an album I'm going to add to my Music List letting my mind drift places I normally don't let it. I had a very dysphoric experience occur last week that I'm still feeling the aftershocks of. I won't go into the details, but it does make one wonder. How far am I going to be able to get with this transition? Will it be worth it? How many thousands of dollars am I going to have to drop on surgeries, plane tickets, hotel rooms, and medications to look even remotely like I desire? Will I ever get there? I feel cheated. I feel robbed of the life I was supposed to have to be honest. I should've been born biologically female. Sadly, I wasn't, and now I gotta work on ways to remedy that to the best of my ability. Mental, physical, and financial. I'm looking at the album cover for this album, staring at the sleeping dragon. Kinda feel like a dragon sometimes. Mythical. I shouldn't exist, and to some I don't.
I'm merely some stupid crazy fantasy given form.
I AM HERE ONCE MORE.
I've had to finish finals, I got a cat, and am thinking of moving. It's been a crazy bit of time! I'm also continuing to work on my music stuff. Nothing specific, just doing shit in Ableton Live just to say I was productive with it. Thank you all for the nice guestbook messages!!! They're so sweet. I have some ideas for some scenarios I can load into the page as well as maybe a shrine? Unsure about the shrine part so far, but I will mull it around! Peace for now!
thank god for friends (4/29/2021)
Thank FUCKING god.
Today was the worst day I've had since January. It sucked. But unlike those days, I have more people around me who lift me up and help me. I'm very thankful for them. Noah, Hunter, Julianne, John, Xavier, Lorenzo, Weg, all of you. Thank you so much.
I just had to get that out there somewhere. Hopefully tomorrow's better.
do you think im frightening? (4/23/2021)
Yes that's a Laura Les lyric.
My friend Noah got me into his little friend group and by God I love it here. They're all so cool and nice and epic. These are the same friends who got me into 100 gecs and all that. Yesterday we all watched Kingsman together through discord and it was a blast. They also really encourage me to make the music I'm trying to make. It's very noise-related but I'm not even gonna attempt to put a genre to anything I do because, knowing me, I'll call it one thing and then a crowd of music snobs will descend upon me telling me how my music DEFINITELY ISN'T that genre because I'm missing some really minute element. Whatever! Doesn't bother me. I just like to make things. My goal is to at least make an EP by the end of the year.
Whether or not that will happen is yet to be seen.
Slight edit: Maybe setting my goal that high is a bit unhealthy. For now my goal is probably to at least completely finish a song entirely at some point. If I meet that goal I'll just work on Song 2, etc. etc., and if I have enough material to throw it together, I'll release it on like Soundcloud or Bandcamp or something. Over and out.
art and music (4/19/2021)
Sorry I've been gone. School is fucking insane right now.
My friends got me into 100 gecs, as well as Dorian Electra and just Laura Les' solo stuff. It's really good and has also ignited in me this drive to just make...something. I wanna make music. I wanna write books. I wanna draw art. I WANNA DO SOMETHING. I just don't have the time nor the energy. I'm working on it slowly though. Music is the main area I want to focus, it's just hard because I have no idea where to start when trying to make a song.
what i want to be (4/7/2021)
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
Mostly about how I want to present myself to others. For the longest time I've been known as that ambiguous weird person you can't really pin down. The kinda person you'd visually describe as just like a floating mass of impossible geometry. I don't really think I want that anymore. I kinda wanna be seen as a person rather than this unknown being. I'm a woman. I have feelings and interests and love for others.
This sounds like I'm sad, but I'm not. No ones mistreating me based on these assumptions of my being. I've just been mulling this stuff over the past couple days. It probably doesn't come off here that some see me that way because I've been open since the beginning with this page. Through a lot of my life, to as recent as a month or so ago, people didn't know realy who I was for the most part except for some close friends.
I think it's time for a change.
lethargy and anime (3/29/2021)
Sorry for lack of updates.
School hit me like a freight train once spring break was over, and all these new meds I'm on make me tired as hell. Spironolactone does it the worst I find. I'm normally the type of girl who can't really fall asleep until at least 3am, but now if I close my eyes for a little too long I can fall asleep at pretty much any time of day. I've heard that doesn't last past a few weeks, but as with everything relating to HRT, your mileage may vary. I've been missing my girlfriend a lot. She's been having to stay at her university more and more as the semester gets crazier. She's not only a grad student but also a teacher which is crazy. I miss sitting down with some dinner and watching a few episodes of Revolutionary Girl Utena with her. We'll be able to again of course just not for a few weeks at the earliest.
Sorry for lack of updates and such. I really just haven't been having many ideas for scenarios or new pages. If you have any ideas shoot me a discord message (Ribbn#2814). This week was BUSY. I saw a psychiatrist and am now on antidepressants. Zoloft to be specific. Today, I saw a transgender care doctor and now I have estrogen!!!! I'm so excited!!!!! Finally on my way to puberty 2.
More updates to come (hopefully)!
Added a new page finally!
First thing I want to get out there is: I am by no means a good writer, poet, or anything like that. I am merely putting these things here because I think they're interesting, not because I think I write well.
Each scenario is hopefully going to be accompanied by a single picture to sorta "set the mood" if you will. The pages themselves for the individual scenarios are going to be Ultra simple. I'm completely removing the css stylesheet from each one. It'll be a neat little area of the site not only to express weird vibes I think of sometimes (whether they be original or otherwise...mostly otherwise), but to also get to know a little about how I view things!
More updates and scenarios to come! Hope you're all doing okay!
It really gets into my psyche man.
A few months ago I found out about all that weirdcore/traumacore/liminal space business and I have never felt so at home on the internet before. It scratches roughly the same itch that neocities does, but more specific.
One page I've been thinking of adding is a page where I describe little "scenarios" that appear in my head from time to time. Usually steeped in nostalgia for something I never really experienced. Or nostalgia for a memory that I can't remember whether or not it was a dream.
More updates to come! Stay healthy, shits almost over. Just a little longer.
That's why I haven't been as active here.
Discrete Math is my nemesis. I'm the type of person who just kinda accepts mathematical things as true when presented to me. Two even integers equals an even integer? Sure why not. But when I have to Prove that, that's where I fall apart completely. Having to go through, step-by-step, and explain every single thing about what I'm doing that shows that two even numbers added together will always be even. Ugh.
Anyway, added another thought to the thought pile, and started listening to some Kpop. I'm no Kpop stan, I'm slowly trying to learn Korean so I thought one way to help with that is to somewhat immerse myself in some Korean things, if I constantly hear and read it I'll pick up on some things along with the things I'm learning formally. (Well..."formally". I'm not taking a structured course.)
That's all for now! More updates to come! At some point. lol
one month (2/23/2021)
Only one more month.
I don't know if many who reads this knows, but I am MTF transgender. I came out only a few months ago after questioning for about a year. My doctor referred me to a transgender care doctor (he didn't refuse my care, that particular doctor's office just doesn't have things like hormone treatment, etc.) and the appointment was set for March 23rd, 2021. This was set back in November. I've been patiently waiting and honestly March 23rd cannot come sooner. I don't expect to walk out of there with a prescription for E, but just getting that appointment and, at the least, a referral to an endocrinologist or something is what I need right now. Everything in my life that is important is just stuck in this "waiting phase" where I just have to grit and bear it until specific dates come.
Also, while I never plan on showing my face, here's a generic-as-hell trans picrew of me. It looks NOTHING like me, but it's as close as I can get on that god-forsaken website.
More Updates to Come!
busy busy busy (2/22/2021)
Well fuck haha.
I thought I updated this blog page with my post from the 20th but I guess I forgot to, so now you get TWO new blog posts! Been busy as hell with schoolwork. Discrete Mathematics and Calculus II. Ugh. Other than that I've been trying my best at Blazblue Centralfiction, trying to learn Litchi. Hard ass game. Got a friend who's playing with me to help me learn though which is nice.
It's really crazy seeing the person who's neocities page got me back onto the site to try it again myself talk about creating things on her site that she saw on mine. I'm very grateful and it means a lot! I've been wanting to make a shrines page like hers myself, I just need to brainstorm things I actually want to make shrines for haha!
End of Day Update: Mood in the garbage can. Feelings in the garbage can. Oh well. Added a new site thing though. If you press the thought button it'll scroll a thought I've had in the past across the top of the page. Currently only three in there. It'll get bigger.
rough day, new ideas (2/20/2021)
Only barely able to say this was written on the 20th, its 11:51PM right now. Today was pretty bad ngl. Lots of gender dysphoria, work was....work, and I'm spiraling into depressing thoughts again. Right now I've seemed to have momentarily pulled out of it for the time being. In the meantime, I've been thinking of adding a little stupid thing to my site. A little marquee or something somewhere that, when you hit a button somewhere on the side, it displays a random one sentence thought I've had in the past. Might add it in the near future!
steady is as steady goes (2/19/2021)
Still kickin' still livin'.
Starting to crank out more pages here and there. Some that are listed now may disappear, others won't! Really just been vibin' lately, doin' my thing.
These posts may be relocated to another page in the future, unsure for now.
Also, if you read this, hope everything's okay Logan! Stay strong!
more layout changes (2/18/2021)
Finally got the CSS how I want (for now)!
Should be way more modular than it used to be. Moved the site button to the side under the navbar, and moved the other people's site buttons off to the right! Woo!
late start (2/18/2021)
I didn't get outta bed til 1PM today.
A real late start today. I scheduled an appointment to get the COVID Vaccine for tomorrow at 1:20, cuz I'm one of the people who is eligible to get it in my state. Scary, but cool! I've also slowly been coming around to anime and my friend recommended me the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena, it's ok so far! Started kinda weak imho, but it's getting better the more I watch (only finished ep 4 so far, I'm a slow show-watcher :P). Still brainstorming things to add or change. Not too sold on how the navbar is set up but I also don't have any ideas on how to change it yet.
Hopefully more updates to come!
guestbook and redesign (2/17/2021)
Finally some new things!
I've been wanting to add a guestbook for a while now, and now it's finally here! Feel free to leave a message if you stop by! I also redesigned the look of this whole site a bit. Made it centered no matter what resolution you're at (hopefully hah) as well as made it more artsy and less bland with solid colors everywhere. I should probably be either doing schoolwork or cleaning my apartment but fuck it HTML AND CSS TIME.
More updates to come!
coming back to life (2/16/2021)
I'm back somewhat. This past month or so has been the hardest of my entire life. The soul-crushing sadness and hopelessness has been so overbearing that, to put it bluntly but lightly, I didn't even know if I was going to make it to February. But! I'm here!!!! And I'm getting better by the day! I'm on the upswing. Glad to know that I have the energy to put into this site some again, and I'm glad to know that the sites I look at are still there! Hopefully updates to come!
Thanks for being here.
Appended update: Changing the layout up! Should scale to your screen now!
UGH! These past few days have been ROUGH. Trying to get back into the swing of things. Mostly blanking on page ideas, probably gonna add a guestbook either tomorrow or the day after just to get the ball rolling. Trying to get back into drawing some. It's going ok! Drew my sister's OC and I think it came out okay! At least as far as a 1-hour quick sketch is concerned.
More updates to come!
new year (1/1/2021)
Happy New Year everyone. This is the only productive thing I've been able to do today. I can't help but feel like utter shit today, ngl. It's a mix of things. Some gender dysphoria, some general things. I'm not gonna dump that all in here though, that's not what this site is for. In terms of the site, I'm thinking of adding a guestbook at some point, as well as throwing around ideas for other pages. I don't want to just straight copy other sites, so I'm trying to brainstorm any page ideas that aren't just "things I saw on so-and-so's neocities that I thought was cool." I also noticed that the person who's site made me come back to neocities and try earnestly to make my own site added my sitebutton to their page, so that's pretty poggers, you should Check them out! Last thing, I rediscovered a bunch of glitch-art pictures that I am still really proud of. I took the photos myself and glitched them myself over 5 years ago. Check them out here.
new page (12/30/2020)
Added a new page! It's where I will try and upload some art from my years on this Earth. Currently there's a few old drawings as well as a collection of photos I'm really proud of! Check it out in the sidebar or here!
I'm trying to be somewhat picky with what I add to this site visually because I'm trying to go for a specific vibe.
Sort of a
"vending machine in an isolated and somewhat dark point where city turns to suburb"
kinda vibe if that makes sense.
Hopefully I keep it that way! I added a bunch of blinkies to my about page which do NOT fit that vibe but I think blinkies get a pass.